Well, helloooo stranger!

Just a quick note to say, "Hi!" and yes, I'm still here, just SUPER busy but that good kind of busy. Enjoying life, etc. Will return hopefully soon with a very long update! Don't get too excited, there really is no news. Just good times.

In the meantime, enjoy some tortellini with Luke!

OMG that is F*CKED UP.

From Jorge's blog: Creepiest cake EVAR

Camping

So! Last weekend was our first camping trip with Luke. It was also his first night away from home! And, it didn't end how we liked, but we had a buttload of fun nonetheless!

A friend of ours was celebrating her birthday with a big group rafting trip. We obviously wouldn't be rafting, but we decided to join the group in camping. I called in sick Saturday so I could go... I played hooky! I hope I didn't screw my coworkers.

Saturday we drove about 3 hours out of town. There would be about 10-12 adults, and we were the only ones with a child. Luke did wonderfully all day. He was in good spirits despite a bit of rainy/windy weather and being outdoors. I wore him in the Babyhawk for most of the time but once our friend got a canopy set up, he played happily in the pack-n-play outside there while we enjoyed snacks and finished setting up the communal camp area. The only bummers were:

1. HUGE diaper blowout. We brought disposable diapers and wipes, and it was a horrible pain in the a$$ to clean up. He pooped all up the inside of his shirt and the wipes did a poor job wiping....we've never had a blowout with cloth diapers, so this really sucked, especially since we were out in BFE with no running water or toilets!

2. My camera batteries were dead!

We set up the pack-n-play inside the tent shortly before bedtime. He kept wanting to stay up, cause we were in a new place with new people. He finally went to sleep without much fuss at all at around 8:30 - 1.5 hours past his normal bedtime. We brought along his white noise machine and the baby monitor. It all worked fabulously - he slept right through a rowdy party and music, and Sean and I went to bed a little past midnight. We took turns checking on him making sure he was covered and okay.

The party was a hoot. It included grilled mahi mahi with mango salsa and tortillas, (fish tacos, I guess) and a SpongeBob piñata! I posted this photo to facebook, taken on my iphone. My loot included a lollipop, a small bottle of vodka, and a tube of anal lube! LOL.

It all fell apart at 2am, when he woke. It was freezing, and despite my many layers I dressed him in, he would not keep his hat on and was very irritable. He fussed and cried, and we tried to co-sleep with him to no avail (our sleeping bags were zipped together to make one big giant one). He would fall asleep and then suddenly bolt awake and start crawling around and playing with our faces and stuff. Finally around 4:30-5 he quieted down enough for me to fall asleep - Sean kept him entertained. We got up at 6am (sunrise over the mountains) and packed our stuff and drove home. He was super fussy by then and we all were desperate for sleep. He only slept for an hour in the car. We got home, gave him a bath - and he pooped in the tub! It was a huge mess and he got his first shower with Daddy after that - and we all took a 4 hour nap! LOL.

It was a rough ending but overall a GREAT weekend and a ton of fun with our friends. I don't think we'll try camping again until next year, but we do look forward to some out of town trips and staying in hotels soon. Plus, now we know he handles day trips very well and he loves the outdoors!

Oh - I want to plug those OFF clip-on bug repellers - they work! I clipped one to the canopy above his pack-n-play and there were NO BUGS on him! I also used the Disney Gentle Naturals DEET-free repellant on him. It smells nice!

Oh, that's better

So. Yesterday at work was totally awesome. Very sweet patients and very sweet family members. Very busy shift that passed quickly.

I wasn't very forthcoming about my weekend because I thought I was just overreacting. It turns out I wasn't - it was legitimately a tough case. In short, I had a very traumatized patient and family member, and it was really intense and frankly pretty disturbing. We had to call a code blue in the radiology department, even. I went home Saturday night and cried and cried and felt sad for the next few days. I felt really haunted by the whole thing and the worst part was the lack of closure - not knowing what happened in the days following. I knew the patient would not survive, but I was really hoping for the most dignified death possible. The family member in question was also quite devastated, and providing support to him just really broke my heart.

Yesterday I spoke with the nurse who took over and was there for the "coming to Jesus" talk and ultimately withdrawing life support. She totally backed me up and admitted that she was also very affected by the whole situation. I felt really validated and after talking with her, I felt MUCH lighter and like I was able to just let go of things and move on. Awesome.

She also backed up another feeling I had. Now, this is another post for another day - but - lately, in the last year or so, I've been having these, well, I don't want to sound flaky, but, psychic experiences. Where people or situations who are either physically or geographically unable to communicate with me, um,... communicate with me. I don't hear voices or anything, but I just get all sensitive and I feel like I just "know" things and can almost like have conversations inside my head with people. Last weekend's patient really got all up in my psychic space and I feel almost violated and really troubled by it. The other nurse agreed that this patient was very insistent and obvious and just plain "loud" about her situation and feelings, although she was in a coma and on a ventilator. My coworker said, "She was just in there screaming at us!".

One of these days I'll go into deeper detail about these experiences. But for now, I'm just going to feel happy about feeling better!

Unmotivated

I'm surprised I'm writing this post, even. Usually when I'm feeling depressed / unmotivated, blogging is the last thing on my mind. But I'm trying hard to fight this inertia.

I have 2.5 weeks until the half marathon, and I've hardly been training. I just don't feel into it anymore. My runs are short and just barely "good enough". I've been feeling depressed and just yucky, especially on my days off when I'm alone with the kids. I feel bored and lonely most of the time.

I'm not sure what's causing all this. I'm taking my supplements and hoping that more exercise will help. I'm also going to try to eat better - during a particularly stressful and busy shift on Friday, I subsisted mostly on donut balls and coffee. Around that have been days filled with pizza, burgers, and not enough veggies.

Hey - how should I get more veggies? They always go bad in my fridge before I can eat them.

Having a particularly sad weekend at work doesn't help. All the emotion from Friday caught up with me Saturday, and I cried a little bit. I think I just care too damn much about my patients and their families. They just break my heart. I tell myself not to get so emotionally involved, but I don't want to be cold and unable to offer sincere support to people who need it. Especially when the family members are there for most of the shift. Ergh. Hard stuff.

So. I'm going to run today and work on feeling better, DAMMIT. I wish I had the $$ for a good aura cleansing/reiki work.

Weird work dream

I don't know why I dreamt about work last night, seeing as I haven't even BEEN THERE in like two weeks....

I dreamt I had only one patient, but I was so busy and distracted and kept getting caught up in crap that I didn't even get to go in his room to see him until my shift was almost over! I was like, "Oh, it's past 16:00 and I haven't even gotten my shift assessment done!"

Then I dreamt I saw Kermit the Frog wearing a nurse's cap.

???????????????????????????????????????????

I've been doing a lot of thinking and pondering on Luke's birth lately. I can actually watch medical birth shows without getting all PTSD now, but I still feel really hurt and messed up and angry, most of all. I've been going through his clothes, sorting out ones to sell and ones to keep, and I came across the tiny little shirt given to us by the midwifery practice. It has the words "Born into the Gentle Hands of a Nurse Midwife" printed on it. You have no idea how I feel about that tiny little shirt. I think, "Yeah, more like, 'Violently Hacked and Wrestled From his Traumatized Mother's Belly by an Asshole Obestetrician, while the Midwife Assisted.'"

He never wore the shirt.

It's in the garbage now.

What a day!

***Picture Post!!!***

Whew! Sean and I didn't make it all the way to Estes Park, but we did drive up to Lyons and slightly beyond for one of my very favorite hikes - the Button Rock Dam loop.

Those of you who read the Fundus may find some of the pictures familiar. Its the same place we took Luke last October, when he was 8 weeks old. Only instead of following the road the whole way, we hiked up the mountain and back down, then up the side of the dam.

The best part was stopping for lunch at Oskar Blues! Philippa, it really made me think of you and I miss you!

We started along the road and stopped where we fed Luke last year - on a little sand bar. The white stuff on the water is pollen. I hope.

Here's where the Sleepy Lion trail starts. It's so pretty.


The trail is covered in large pieces of mica, making it sparkly. It's almost like a fairy tale trail in some areas where the mica is really dense.

Mali found a flower patch that must have appealed to her, cause she started rolling and frolicking and being all silly. Some animal must have sprayed there cause she's all stinky now. So is my car.

I love this little alpine meadow. It so gorgeous, and it's covered in wildflowers now that it's spring.


Lots of wild roses. I love these.

Here's one view of the reservoir and dam. I'm pretty sure that's Longs Peak in the distance, over 14,000 feet altitude. At the bottom of the dam is the spillway...

It's loud and thunder-y and you can feel the cool mist as you walk by it. I told Sean I'd give him a dollar if he jumped in, but he declined.



The hike up the side of the dam is steep, so we stopped for a snack there.

I tried to get Mali in on a nice family picture, but she wouldn't cooperate, so we got a photo of her ass instead!

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And, as usual, I want to participate in a giveaway, so here's the offer! If you cloth diaper, or are thinking about it, add this blog to your feed. It's a good read and (obviously) lots of chances to win!